Relationships aren’t MATH, they’re jazz

A few months ago, a mentor and I were having a late-night conversation. 

He said something I’ll never forget. “You want everything to be math, to have a formula, but life isn’t math, it’s jazz.”

It was a truth I had never understood, and my type A personality loves being in control of everything that takes place. I had spent so much time and energy trying to control everything and everyone, and things didn’t go the way that I expected.

This holds more so in relationships, because in relationships, it’s not just you, and it’s definitely not just about you. It’s two people co-existing, with different mindsets, beliefs, and experiences. You do not get to control how another person thinks or acts.

Instead of focusing on how we can make someone else do what we want, which isn’t a healthy relationship, we should be striving to bring the best out of them, inspiring them to be who they are.

Don’t enter into a relationship simply because of someone’s potential, but who they are now. It’s not our role, nor within our power to determine how others will become, but it is a gift to be a part of someone’s journey, just be ruthlessly selective with who you allow into your life.

Here are 4 ways to embrace the jazz of relationships

1 - All you can do is the best you can do with what you’ve been given

If you embrace the uncertainty of life, especially relationships, and make the most of your resources, the output will be less anxiety and less worry, and you will be more outcome-agnostic, giving you more peace of mind, which is a requirement to hear the music.

2 - It’s a people business

Humans aren’t rational actors, they are emotional beings. Emotion lies at the core of every relationship, and if you want to understand others, and be able to connect with others, emotional understanding and regulation are core skills. At the end of the day, it’s a people business.

3 - Embrace the bad as much as the good

When the storm arrives, you have three choices. You can run away, stay in place, or move toward the storm. Regardless, you won’t be the same person once the storm has passed, but what you choose to do when the storm arrives dictates your growth and your time spent in the storm.

4 - Never lie to yourself

The music of relationships can be scary, it’s an unpredictable beast with wild twists and turns. It becomes worse if you lie to yourself if you tell yourself that a situation is different than what it is if you ignore what’s in front of you. Keeping it 100% with yourself is key to being able to listen to the beat. Without truth, there is no music.