How to deal with the pain of wanting more

What’s wrong with wanting more?

We live in a screaming society that tells us that wanting more is bad, that it’s somehow wrong, yet should those people who are screaming have the resources to get more, then they would.

Products and services are wired to make us want more, from food all the way to daily essentials. A maximalist economy promoting the need for more.

Naval Ravikant puts it this way, “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.”

In other words, you lose the moment in pursuit of something you lack, and the problem, is if you live life this way, you’re always going to be unhappy, always on the hamster wheel of wanting more.

So how do we deal with the pain of not having the things we want. Well it’s bracingly simply, stop focusing on what you don’t have.

Where we focus, energy flows, so if you focus on what you don’t have, you give energy and power to scarcity. But if you focus on what you have, on gratitude, you give energy and power to abundance.

Now I’ll be the first one to tell you that I’m very grateful for all that I have, and I’m also working towards more. But I’ve learned to temper down my desires, because I’ve made peace with my situation, on the condition that I will always improve, always grow.

The deal that I’ve made with myself to handle the pain of wanting more, is that I’ll always live a life of striving to be better, of growing and forward momentum, but I will never let that take away from the precious moment of now. I won’t let my peace be sacrificed to the external or that which I cannot control.

Here are 4 things I used to make this deal with myself

1 - Accept what you can’t control, and focus on what you can’t control

This is an old stoic saying from the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. There is a lot of external factors in the world that are not within our control, and trying to change those will yield marginal, if any returns. If we instead focus on our responsibility, what is in our sphere of influence, not only can we make a bigger impact, that’s where the progress is.

2 - Anxiety makes you go through pain twice, once in anticipation and then when it happens

Seneca talks about the idea that worrying about the future causes you pain two fold. It doesn’t mean that the feeling of anxiety will completely vanish, but grounding yourself in relaxing that it’ll be okay, that you will face the future when it arrives, as prepared as you can be. Another way that I like to look at it is, what is your survival rate for bad days? It’s 100%, not 30 or 40, or even 70, but 100%. You have survived and lived through every bad moment of your life, and you are here, so remember that when things go wrong.

3 - Protect your peace at all costs

The thoughts you have, the actions you take, the people around you, these are the most important ways in which you build the constructs of the world around you. If you constantly surround yourself with negative people, negative thoughts, and inaction, your life, and maybe even your identity will embark on a downward spiral. But if you can focus on great thoughts, great people, and constant action, you not only find meaning, but you become a force for good.

4 - Desire is a contract to be unhappy until you have more

What I’ve learned about being fulfilled in the present is that I am always working towards more, I’m on a climb to the top of the mountain, but I’ve fallen in love with the journey, and prioritized it so much that yes, I have vision boards, yes, I have things I want to achieve, but I don’t allow myself to desire them anymore, they are simply targets on the climb to a better me, and they’ll come when they come.